Six Months.. Seems like such an accomplishment, in the worst way of course. Would it be strange if I stated that I am surprised I still stand here today? I guess I started thinking of all the old wives tales after liz died. A couple madly in love for many years will most likely die in months of each other because their true love was unbreakable. I lost a connection so powerful with liz. I thought there was no way I'd make it out this far. It took me till today to realize. I no longer live for myself. I have to live for the legacy of my sister and mother. I have to become something great, live the life they couldn't. Our cards were dealt different and I have to roll with the punches. In a world that has cultivated so much pain and sadness I have to imagine a new beginning. Something so simple, yet pure and magnificent.
I miss the way liz loved and her crazy life. She lived on the edge of madness. I couldn't handle her at times because I'd probably be medicated if I did. I miss her wild texts. If liz texted me.. I never could predict what she say to me. One day I'm sitting in class. My phone started going crazy. Finally I look at it.. and it looked a little something like this..
Are you there?!
I need you!!
The dr. came in and he was talking so damn much..
I thought it was gas!
BRING NEW PANTS NOW SOS!!!
It was always an adventure with her..
(she'd kill me for posting that, but hey it's a perk of chemo.. )
She told me she'd never leave me. I can still feel her around, but thats different. Her honesty was perfection I'd say "this make me look fat"
she'd laugh.. and respond, "someone throw shamu back in the ocean" She fixed any problem I ever had. She decorated my room even. I miss those days where we'd decide it was a bad day to go out so we would lay in bed all day watching terrifying movies.. (that I secretly loved) I guess I think of all the firsts we won't share anymore. I wish I could've seen her fall in love, go to college, have a baby. She wanted so much out of life and she didn't get much in return. Many things planned for her legacy.
Stay tuned. :)
I love all of you. I love those who have supported me in so much hurt. Most of all I want to thank my boyfriend Zach. This morning I sat crying eating breakfast. He asked what was wrong, but I didn't want to talk about it. He just embraced me with a hug. Through this journey it would have been very easy for him to walk away, but I'm so grateful he is here.